You grew up feeling alone and unloved. Your parent were emotionally unavailable, hyper-critical or abusive and you have a low sense of self-worth.
You keep looking for man’s conditional love but you gravitate to men who are non-communicating, unfaithful, deceptive and abusive—men who somehow remind you of your parent.
You want a wonderful boyfriend or husband but you believe you are unworthy of a man’s respect, love and commitment. You constantly need a man’s reassurance. You romanticize and anguish about a relationship with your new man.
Your feelings of uncertainty project desperation and neediness. You allow a man to walk all over you or your fearful subconscious causes you to reject a man before he can reject you.
We can’t change our hurtful, dysfunctional past, but we can create a satisfying and secure future. Here are 7 signs you have a clingy, insecure behavior and how to change it:
1. You’re too accommodating
When you chase a man, you are telling yourself: you don’t think you are worthy of his pursuit. Out of eagerness and insecurity you’re too nice, too available and you have sex with him too soon. You feed his dog when he goes out of town. You ditch your girlfriends and you cancel your plans to go out with him at the last minute. When he doesn’t call or text you (like he said he would) you call him to hopefully reassure yourself.
Solution: Stop selling yourself short! Ignore the tingling, throbbing, love-sick feelings that you experience about a new man. Understand that it’s a natural part of your “need-a-man” cravings. Calling him will make you appear anxious. Anxious will make you appear needy.
2. You give more than you get
You call, text and email him more than he contacts you. You concoct way to be with him; you invite him to a party and you cook dinner for him. You keep his favorite beer or liquor on hand. You give him gifts, mail him cute cards or send flowers to his home or office (yes, women do this!). You think being nice and accommodating will make him appreciate and love you but you don’t get what you were hoping for in return.
Solution: A healthy relationship needs a balance of “give and take.” When you give too much, you appear desperate for a relationship. Pay attention to your wants and needs and don’t be afraid to express your desires or your concerns. If you cook dinner, it’s his turn to take you out to a restaurant.
3. You act out your apprehension
You crave a man’s validation and acceptance but your insecurities cause you to be jealous, anxious and mistrusting. You constantly text him and call him. You drive by his house and you stalk him on Facebook. When he doesn’t call or text you back right away, you become uptight and fearful.
Solution: It’s time to reprogram your dating computer. You are the selector. He is the purser. A man’s job is to court you, woo you, impress you and convince you that he is the absolute best man for you. Your job is to be charming, receptive and appreciative of his pursuit.
4. You hound him for affirmation
You feel he is not fulfilling your relationship needs. You beg him to talk to you, reveal his intimate thoughts with you, spend more time with you and have sex with you. Your behavior is smothering and suffocating, causing him to pull back from you to protect his personal space.
Solution: Dating in hopes of a serious relationship is an unrewarding process. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. Force yourself to give him space and create activities for yourself. Practice dating for the sake of entertainment and friendship.
5. You discount his hurtful behavior
Your love for him is blind, irrational and self-destructive. You bond to a man whose dysfunctional behavior jells with your needy, codependent mindset. You minimize and discount the oblivious—that he is self-absorbed, unreliable, deceitful, non-communicating and quick-tempered. You subconsciously (or knowingly) operate in denial, tolerating his bad behavior.
Solution: You deserve better. If you continually commit to men who make your heart ache and you are uncertain about your future with him—you need to get into therapy so you can understand WHY you gravitate to men who mistreat you.
