“Can I go outside and play with friends? Maybe. If you complete memorising the multiplication table of 2, then you can go” (after completing the multiplication table).
“Can I go now? It’s too late, you can’t go now.”
With these tentative answers, you may have distracted the child’s mind from the real question for a moment, but in reality you did not realise what impression this interaction has created on the child’s mind.
You might have felt good that instead of saying no directly you succeeded in evading the request by putting another condition which is unattainable.
While you heave a sigh of relief with the win, you should contemplate on what wrong you have done with this approximate answer.
Most parents resort to tentative “maybe” answers when the child insists on knowing about certain things or makes repeated requests for certain things.
You are your child’s role model
Kids consider their parents and elders as role models. For even an iota of doubt they look up to the elders for an answer. A mind as inquisitive as a kid’s always needs the exact answer. Nothing works in approximation or tentative for a kid.
At times this could trigger an emotional breakdown. When the child comes to you and tells you that the multiplication table has been memorised he or she should be allowed to play. It is wrong to dodge the child with another seemingly unattainable condition.
Why is it bad to give your child uncertain answers?
This is because how you deal with the child largely shapes the personality of the child. If a child is used to living with uncertain conditions, it is likely that he or she will stop having faith in people all around or may develop an anticipation of the outcomes.
Kids who are always given tentative answers are left with uncertainty. The curious mind of the child tries to engage itself with whatever condition is put forward by the parents without having their own will power.
A 2019 research study published in the journal Frontiers in Psychology, suggests that when presented with uncertain situations people build mental simulations anticipating the outcome. “Most of the time, these imagined outcomes are biased towards negativity,” the study says.
When parents try to conveniently evade the requests of a child with “maybe”, the child may stop trusting the parents.
Somewhere deep within the child would develop an impression that neither of the parents are trustworthy. So next time before asking for anything the child would try to fulfill requirements in his or her own way. This often leads the child in the wrong way and many times among wrong companionship.
What should you do?
A straight yes or a straight no as an answer will make more sense than any explanation. Depending on how adamant the child is about the request and the nature of the request, give an affirmation but with a less stringent condition. The condition should not tire out the child, and it should not make the child do rigorous work.
If you have constraints in fulfilling the demand of the child, explain it to the child properly and in a minimal way. Bring in the child to your discussion. Make your child understand why certain demands are not being met on time. This will develop a friendly bond with your child and will also encourage the child to talk to you about his or her problems without any hesitation.
