You’ve just slept with a guy for the first time and thought everything went really well.
The sex was great, you felt a connection, and you can’t wait to see him again. But he’s suddenly gone completely silent.
No texts, no calls, no communication whatsoever. What went wrong? Here are a few reasons why a guy might distance himself after intimacy.
1. He overestimates your emotional attachment to sex
There is a very real stereotype that sex makes women fall instantly in love while men feel nothing. This is not backed up by research. Studies show that men and women have similarly negative feelings about casual sex. But if the guy you’ve just slept with believes the cliché, he may fear that you are feeling even more averse to casually hooking up than he does and that he must pull away in order to avoid unnecessary drama.
2. He was only in it for the chase
It’s no secret that men love the chase. Pursuing a new love interest produces hormones such as dopamine and adrenaline that create a euphoric sensation. But once they’ve caught their prey, the thrill of the chase is gone. Some men are so addicted to the high of pursuing women that they have no interest in having a relationship. They are content with an unending supply of lust rather than letting themselves experience love.
3. Sex biologically affects men and women differently
Climaxing produces a flood of dopamine, the “pleasure hormone”; and oxytocin, the “bonding hormone.” After climaxing, both sexes produce prolactin, a hormone that creates a feeling of satisfaction, drowsiness, and suppression of arousal. However, women continue producing oxytocin while prolactin levels in men continue to spike for up to 20 minutes post-orgasm. After intimacy, therefore, women feel the need to bond while men feel drowsy and unaroused. This creates an emotional disconnect that can make men seem cold and women seem clingy.
4. He’s still not over a past relationship
He may not have told you that he still isn’t over his last relationship. He may even have fooled himself into thinking it was behind him only to have a surge of emotion run through him by sleeping with someone new. Unfortunately, as anyone who has gone through a breakup knows, heartbreak makes you selfish. He may need time to work through his emotions before reaching out to you again.
5. He’s experiencing post-coital dysphoria (PCD)
PCD is a phenomenon where a person feels depressed, irritable, or detached after consensual sex. While it has been extensively studied in women, research from 2018 indicates that men can also suffer from it. In fact, the study found that men experience PCD at a similar rate to women, suggesting that moodiness and detachment after sex are much more common in men than previously acknowledged. The causes for PCD remain unknown, but researchers hypothesize that they are probably a combination of biological and psychological factors.
6. He’s scared of his feeling for you
Just as you might have had an intense emotional reaction to sleeping with him, he might be having strong feelings as well. What you interpret as pulling away may actually be his method of protecting himself from the feelings he’s having for you. He may have thought that it was a casual encounter and was caught off guard by how strong your connection was. If he has retreated into his emotions, he’ll emerge at some point. Just give him time.
7. He doesn’t want you to get the wrong idea
He may be worried that you view sex as confirmation of a relationship. He’s concerned that you now see yourself as his girlfriend and instead of talking to you about it, he’s simply avoiding communication altogether so you figure it out by yourself. This is cowardly and passive and tells you everything you need to know about him. Good riddance.
8. He has issues with intimacy
There is not much you can do if he comes to your relationship with emotional baggage. His past may have conditioned him to view love and emotional intimacy as negative things that should be avoided at all costs. If this is the case, you can give him time to go at his own pace, but it is also important to limit what you’re willing to give. Ultimately, if he can’t find be vulnerable with you, you need to move on.
9. You’re coming on too strong
Sometimes a guy’s instinct to distance himself after intimacy is a response to how you’re behaving. What is the emotional baggage that you’re bringing to the table? Are you expecting things to move fast? Are you scared he’ll abandon you? Are you self-sabotaging by pushing him away? While you should not immediately jump to the conclusion that a guy’s silence is your fault, you should examine your behavior to rule it out.
10. He regrets sleeping with you
This is a brutal possibility to come to terms with, but if the guy was a close friend or is already in a relationship, it may accurate. If this is the case, the regret he’s feeling has nothing to do with you. In fact, you should take it as a compliment that he was so wildly attracted to you that he couldn’t resist the opportunity to fall into bed despite having serious reasons not to.
