By owning your confidence and respectfully communicating your need and values to your partner, you are laying everything out in the table for them.
If they choose to work with you improving a certain issue or behaviour, then the relationship can move forward.
This happens through a positive ultimatum, which is the one given during a calm moment where both of you are listening to each others feelings and being respectful towards it.
Well here we are talking about all kinds of relationships and the ultimatums that are actually healthy and good for any relationship!
1. “I need time to get ready”
Even something as small as ensuring your partner understands your needs while getting ready to go out can cause a lot less strain on your relationship. While not everyone will share the same priorities, it’s key to respect what is important to your partner, and vie versa.
2. “I will choose to do something else if you stay on your phone”
Let’s say your partner is glued to their phone at all times, and refuses to put it away, even when you are trying get their attention regarding something important. It’s necessary to get the message across to them that their behavior is not OK with you, and that having their undivided attention at certain times is important to you. Ultimatums can be about setting boundaries.
3. “That makes me uncomfortable, please do not say that again”
Instead of formulating your ultimatum as a threat to your partner, get to the route of the problem: What is bothering you, and why? How does it make you feel? “It’s healthier to start with how you feel so the person knows the pain you are in. Setting boundaries can be a vulnerable conversation, since it’s all about telling the other person how you feel and what it is they do that upsets you. For instant, ‘I get hurt when you tease me about my spelling so could you please not do”.
4. ‘When you message your ex, it makes me feel hurt”
Sometimes we test each other’s boundaries so ultimatums reinforce them so that they are clear and understood by both parties. It’s important to remind ourselves that people don’t hurt us on purpose even when they are breaking our boundaries. When it comes to confronting your partner about contacting their ex, if your partner does not see your side, it’s up to you to decide if this is a deal-breaker. By explaining to your partner how their actions make you feel, you can address the situation from a place of genuine concern, as opposed to anger and resentment.
5. ”We don’t always need to watch TV together if we want to watch different things”
Remember, when you are giving an ultimatum for your partner, you can’t control how they will react and if anything will change. Instead, remind yourself that this ultimatum is for you – knowing your worth, how you should be treated, and what you deserve out of a relationship. Think of an ultimatum as self-care, not trying not control another person. You are issuing one because it’s the only way you believe that you can take care of yourself.
6. ”Either we are exclusive, or I have to think about if I want to continue this”
Above all, the conversation should be about you and your partner coming up with a solution to improve your relationship, or defining the level of commitment you are both willing to make. If your partner won’t make the kind of commitment you want, you may be ready to move on. By clearly and calmly explaining to your partner that you want to be exclusive, you are laying your expectations out. While this ultimatum may be a tough one, it is a proactive way to stand up for what you want.
7. ”We need to be able to save money”
Finances and money is a tricky subject to address, albeit an important one, which is why it is so vital to ensure you are addressing any financial concerns or issues in a calm way. The way you do it is key. If you come off as loving, but extremely concerned about your problem, you may have a better outcome. By being upfront about your financial expectations – especially if you share bank accounts – you are starting a conversation about ground rules that will work for the both of you.
