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Why parents should not force good manners on little children

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Teaching good manners to children is one of the major parts of parenting.
However, many parents make the mistake of ‘forcing’ their kids to follow rules of politeness without considering how it impacts them emotionally and mentally. Despite the good intentions, this strategy can end up backfiring.
Rather, a more considerate and perceptive approach can support children’s natural development of polite behaviour.
Here’s why forcing good manners isn’t the best way to go and what can be done instead.

1. Forcing manners can cause resistance

When under pressure, children generally and more frequently resist. Forcing children to say “please” or “thank you” can worsen their situation rather than build empathy. Instead of realising the value of good manners, children might act out immediately to avoid conflict.

Setting a good example is important. Children will naturally imitate your behaviour without feeling pressured when they see you saying “thank you” or showing kindness to others.


2. It may lead to a lack of authenticity

When youngsters are forced to be respectful, they may act in a superficial manner without sincere emotion. A youngster may learn to value appearances over genuineness, for example, if they are made to apologise when they don’t feel sorry.

Spend some time explaining why particular acts are important rather than pressuring them to say the “right” thing. Help children understand, for example, how saying “sorry” may heal damaged feelings and demonstrate concern for others.

3. Good manners should stem from empathy, not obligation

True kindness stems from understanding and empathy, not obligations. Forcing good manners ignores the importance of helping youngsters in developing emotional awareness. If a child does not understand why they should be kind and polite, they may not carry these values into adulthood.

4. It can cause stress and anxiety

Forcing children to act in a certain way can make them feel overwhelmed. Children who receive constant punishment may develop low self-esteem as a result of feeling incompetent. This is particularly true for children who find it difficult to meet ‘social standards’, such as shy or introverted children.

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