It’s never a good feeling when your partner says or does something that hurts you.
In that moment, it’s easy to lash out, shut down, or assume the worst. But how you respond can make all the difference.
Instead of making things worse, try handling the situation in a way that keeps the conversation open and helps you both understand each other better.
Here are 5 simple and healthy ways to respond when your partner hurts your feelings.
1. Say how you feel without blaming
When you’re hurt, it’s tempting to say things like, “You never listen to me!” or “You don’t care about my feelings!” But when you start with blame, your partner is more likely to get defensive rather than actually hearing you. Instead, try focusing on how you feel.
For example, instead of saying, “You always ignore me,” you could say, “I feel unheard when I’m talking, and it seems like you’re distracted.” This makes it clear that you’re sharing your feelings, not attacking them. And when people don’t feel attacked, they’re more likely to respond with kindness rather than defensiveness
2. Ask before jumping to conclusions
Sometimes, we assume the worst without knowing the full story. Maybe your partner said something in a joking way, but it didn’t feel funny to you. Instead of immediately getting upset, try asking for clarification.
For example, instead of thinking, Wow, that was rude!, ask, “Hey, did you mean that as a joke, or were you serious?” This gives them a chance to explain before things turn into a full-blown argument. More often than not, they probably didn’t mean to hurt you, and clearing it up early can save a lot of unnecessary hurt feelings.
3. Be honest about how it affects you
It’s okay to admit when something hurt you. Instead of brushing it off or pretending it’s fine, let your partner know how their words or actions made you feel. You don’t have to be dramatic– just honest.
For example, saying, “It hurt me when you ignored my feelings earlier. I need to feel like what I say matters to you,” is way more effective than saying, “You don’t care about me!” Being open about your emotions helps your partner see things from your perspective and encourages them to be more mindful in the future. When you communicate like this, it builds trust and understanding rather than tension.
4. Let them know what you need moving forward
It’s one thing to say you’re upset, but it’s even more helpful to let your partner know what they can do differently next time. If they don’t know how to fix things, they might just feel guilty or confused instead of actually making a change.
For example, instead of saying, “You made me feel bad,” try something more specific like, “Next time, I’d appreciate it if you could listen without interrupting so I feel heard.” Giving them a clear way to improve helps avoid the same issue in the future. Relationships are about growing together, and small adjustments like this make a big difference.
5. Take a break if you need to
Not every conversation needs to happen right away– especially if you’re feeling overwhelmed or emotional. If you feel like you’re too upset to talk calmly, it’s totally okay to take a break.
You can say something like, “I’m feeling really upset right now, and I need a little time to cool off. Let’s talk about this later when I can think more clearly.” This doesn’t mean you’re ignoring the issue– it just means you’re making sure the conversation happens in a way that’s actually productive. When emotions settle, it’s easier to communicate without saying something you don’t mean.
