Let’s be honest—meeting the mother-in-law can be intimidating anywhere in the world. But in South Africa? Whew. That’s an entirely different level.
Across many cultures in South Africa, from isiZulu to Setswana to isiXhosa households, the makoti (bride or daughter-in-law) often enters the family not just through marriage—but through tradition, expectations, and sometimes a low-key audition for Best Supporting Wife in a Family Drama.
So why the tough love from mama?
It’s not personal, it’s cultural
In most African homes, elders are held in the highest regard. Respect isn’t just a nice thing to offer—it’s a requirement. When a young woman marries into the family, the mother-in-law is often the gatekeeper of these values. From day one, the makoti is expected to greet properly, dress modestly, cook like her life depends on it, and wake up early enough to see the sunrise while sweeping the yard. And if she serves tea? That cup best not be lukewarm.
It may sound harsh, but beneath it all, it’s not about humiliation. It’s about tradition—and making sure the family legacy is in the right hands.
“She’s just testing you”
Think of it less like judgment, and more like initiation. Many South African mothers-in-law see their role as mentors of sorts. They want to know: Can you handle pressure? Can you respect this family? Do you take love seriously?
A few chores here, a few side-eyes there—if you survive the first few months (or years), you’ll often find that same iron-willed mama becomes your greatest cheerleader.
The son factor
Here’s the tricky part: many mothers have poured their heart, soul, and grocery money into raising their sons. Suddenly, a new woman comes along, changing everything. Jealousy? Maybe. Fear of being sidelined? Definitely.
In tight-knit families, your mother-in-law might be less concerned with your skincare routine and more focused on whether you’re taking her son away from Sunday lunch. It’s less about you, and more about her needing to adjust to the new family dynamic.
Times are changing
Not every mother-in-law fits the stereotype. Plenty are warm, open-minded, and even rebellious against old-school norms. Urbanization, modern relationships, and exposure to different cultures have shifted expectations. More women are standing up and saying, “Yes, I’ll love your son, but I’m not waking up at 5 a.m. to iron your husband’s socks.”
And guess what? Many mothers-in-law are okay with that—eventually.
The secret?
Patience. Humor. And a strong cup of rooibos.
Learning how to navigate the relationship with a South African mother-in-law can feel like walking a cultural tightrope. But if you come with respect, an open heart, and maybe a killer pap recipe, you’ll be surprised at how the ice melts.
And when she finally calls you my daughter instead of that girl—you’ll know you’ve made it.
