In a relationship, we need love. We also need trust in order for the relationship to grow, and in order for trust to grow inside a relationship, respect needs to be there.
Many of us grew up seeing disrespect in our homes. Maybe it was your parents not respecting one another, or you weren’t on the receiving end of the most respectful behavior.
Disrespectful behavior might not have taken the form of violence or abuse, and might have taken the form of lying or dismissive behavior.
That doesn’t mean that disrespect is okay, just because it seems ‘less bad’ than what others experience.
But how do we even spot disrespect if it is something that seems to be happening all around us, and how do we stop it infecting our intimate relationships like a disease?
Here are 8 signs of disrespect to watch out for.
1. They don’t listen to you
Communication is important in any relationship. If they are not engaging in active listening with you, and you feel they are only half-interested in what you have to say, this can be a red flag.
Some examples to watch out for are if they are not listening even when you know the subject should be of interest to them; if they ignore what you say and react to you like you said something you didn’t, it’s a sign they’re not listening; if they are judging what you say as being unimportant; or if they ignore you in the hope that you’ll just stop talking.
2. They don’t prioritize you
If you’re not a priority, you’ll know what that feels like. They’ll be distracted when they are with you; change or cancel plans last moment without a good reason; they’ll be chronically late to dates; they’ll prioritize their friends or their work over you.
If someone doesn’t respect your time, they don’t respect you.
3. They give you the silent treatment
The silent treatment seems to be a very simple way to cause harm. You just have to switch off from that person long enough for their own minds to torture them, on your behalf. The silent treatment can leave one feeling hurt, powerless, invisible, guilty, or frustrated.
When used as a precursor for abuse, the silent treatment serves to hurt someone twice. It hurts them when they first receive it, then later when they receive the abuse itself.
4. You caught them lying to you
Some people think it is the big lies — like cheating — that matter when oftentimes it is the small lies that hurt the most. They chip away at trust and show a lack of respect in the relationship.
If this person cannot trouble themselves to be honest with you — even when it is difficult — then why should you trust them?
5. They flirt with others
If you’re in a monogamous relationships — and even in many open or non-monogamous relationships depending on the understanding between partners — being on the receiving end of your partner flirting with others while you’re right there can be hard. It can also be difficult just knowing that it is going on when you’re not around, too.
It is incredibly disrespectful to you and to your relationship for someone to cross this boundary and can be a red flag for things to come.
6. They hurt your feelings on purpose
Hurt feelings in the course of a relationship will happen. You will have times when this happens accidentally, but when it happens on purpose, it is not okay. Even if things are said in the heat of an argument, it is never okay to hurt someone you are supposed to care about.
This can be accusations thrown at a partner, or bringing up things from the past just to hurt them, or even name-calling. None of these actions are okay.
7. They refuse to spend time with your family or friends
The other people who are important in your life — namely, your friends and family — should not be overlooked. If they are refusing to spend time with these people or doing things like showing up late and passive-aggressively showing their disrespect for the people who are important to you, they’re disrespecting you by extension.
These might not be their favorite people or the way they would most like to spend their time, but that they won’t experience the slightest inconvenience for you says a lot.
8. They have inconsiderate personal habits
It is normal in a relationship to find someone else’s habits annoying once the initial honeymoon period has worn off. Their fidget spinner use isn’t what we’re talking about here though.
If they have habits like not wiping down the benchtop or leaving dirty dishes all over the house that make you feel disrespected, these are the habits we’re talking about.
